The Moon is fully round and shot with light.
That Sun has straight up hammered her tonight.
Her beams stir on the rocks to drown our sorrow,
Some tipsy proof from darkness comes tomorrow.
Written for dVerse Poetics: Muse Mixology hosted by de jackson (aka WhimsyGizmo) and using words associated with a bar scene but without the bar context. I’ve italicized the words I used from the list.
You are so good at rhyme and rhythm, without making them sound forced.
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Thank you. I keep revising a poem as if it were advertising copy for a new product. It has to sound natural and make sense on first reading. The rhyme and meter are also ways to keep readers focused on the poem. It is like hypnotizing them. I don’t always succeed at that. Your comment suggests to me that it might have worked this time.
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Frank, as a fellow poet and an advertising copywriter of many years, I would say you have succeeded (as you so often do), in spades. 🙂
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It definitely worked this time!
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Flows so easily…less is more here…
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Yes, less is more. One of the constraints was to use only 33 words. I don’t think that constraint applied if I were using words from the list, but I like word count constraints and so I used it loosely here anyway. The poem has only 34 words which I thought was close enough. Thanks!
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They are supportive of each other that counts!
Hank
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The Sun and Moon are in a supportive relationship through gravity. I was wondering about using “hammered” in the context of the Sun radiating the Moon. It goes against a sentimental view of these two celestial objects as partners. It has too much violence associated with it. Life on Earth would not survive that radiation without a magnetosphere to soften it, or so I understand.
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Nice take, and well done getting the rhymes too!
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Thank you!
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A delightful read!!!
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Thank you!
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I love the cadence of rhyming poetry. You do it so well!
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Thank you! I like the sound of metrical poetry. Even though I think of it in terms of hypnotizing the reader with all that rhyme and rhythm–and this seems a bit manipulative–I want to be hypnotized as well when I read it just the way I am with a good movie.
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Like you, I felt the 33 parameter only applied when not using the bar terms, but unlike you I droned on into a full Haiban, with haiku. You do have a deft touch with rhyme, sir.
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Thank you! I think I like word count constraints because I don’t feel confident writing longer pieces. I have even limited myself to 50 words for the prose part of the Monday haibun for no special reason except to keep pruning out superfluous text. “Droning on” is also a good way to write and I can see how it could be very appealing to a reader which is what all of this is about–making readers (if only ourselves) glad they read the poem.
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As many have pointed out the rhythm and rhyme here is what holds the readers attention…I can easily read once and then re read more slowly. Nice dance between Sun and Moon.
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Thank you! The Sun and Moon appear to dance around the Earth so nicely it is easy to personify them.
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I do love the dance of Moon and Sun, and we need them to clean our sorrow… you inspire me to take a journey back to form… 🙂
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I’m glad you liked it. The form adds some technical constraints which force revisions until the constraints are met. Hopefully those revisions make a better poem. I also like the 44 word count constraint in the Monday quadrilles.
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Well, I do like the sun and moon each one guides with light whether it be day or night.
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Yes, they both guide us with light and gravity. Thank you!
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“That Sun has straight up hammered her tonight.”
I’ve always enjoyed picturing the Sun and Moon being in love but unable to really get to each other. So I like you breaking the rules and having her get “hammered” by him like this, even if just once. 🙂
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I almost left that word out because I wondered if the negative connotations would override the positive ones. Then I thought about it from a radiation perspective and I figured the word fit well enough to risk any objections. I am now glad it was on the list of words to use. Thanks for your comment!
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Frank, your words flow seamlessly from one to the other, and the rhymes – you make it seem effortless (and I know from my attempts it is not!)..loved each line..
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Thank you! Sometimes a rhyme word pops into place. Other times I look for possibilities on rhymezone.com or rewrite the sentences entirely to get a rhyme word that is easier to work with. Hopefully all that work keeps the reader interested and enhances the message in the poem.
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Wonderful work on the rhyme here, Frank 😀 it flows naturally and is a delight to read out loud!❤️
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I am glad you enjoyed the way it sounded when reading it out loud. Thank you!
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This is a great poem. I loved the “some tipsy proof from darkness comes tomorrow” line. Thanks for sharing. I have a poetry blog here on WordPress and today’s poem is about the moon in case you have time to look? Lunar greetings! Sam 🙂
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Thanks, Sam! I am glad you liked that line. I enjoyed your blog. It has nice rhyme, meter and meaning. Lunar greetings!
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Thanks so much Frank. My poetry channel is also called Peacock Poetry. This is the link…
https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCOZl_YA1cY485xlFWS_REqw
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Very nice channel, Sam! I subscribed to it. Thanks!
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