This is a collaborative poem using the form “Interlocking Rubáiyát”. The first eight lines, in red, Jeren Nazuto wrote as part of Jilly’s August Casting Bricks Challenge. I added the last eight lines and decided to also link this to dVerse Poetics hosted by Lillian since my half contains the word “shade”.
The world, burning around me
All the lands and the sea
I weep in streams and rivers
Over the fallen world tree
From the sins, the fire delivers
The earth’s misguided caregivers
And all the pain and suffering
Fueling my body shivers
All this pain I’m here to bring,
My offering, this mindful thing
Obscured by all the shade we’ve made
As cloaks of shadows wrap us, cling.
Who knows where we can turn for aid?
Tomorrow may these fires fade.
May heat with flames and misery
Leave fresh, cool waters where we’ll wade.
Photo: “Red in Yellow” by the author and linked to jansenphoto’s Tuesday Photo Challenge with the theme “Golden”.
Very interesting how you’ve connected the two author’s sections, the form, and the message here. Well done!
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Thank you, Lillian!
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I like the journey from despair to hope. Great collaboration.
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I like resolving a poem to a hopeful ending. Thanks, Bev!
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Collaboration is great stuff. In this instance two heads were better than just one. One day the wildfire will extinguish and healing waters will flow
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Thanks, Walter! We will have both sadness and joy.
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Pain can be transformative
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Yes, it has its value as well. Thank you!
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Wonderfully done. The collaboration was seamless. 🙂
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Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it.
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Very nice Frank… especially like “as cloaks of shadows wrap us…”
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Thank you! I like that phrase as well.
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Frank, I am opting NOT to read this for a couple of days since I plan to write a completed version of Jeren’s poem and I don’t want your wonderful way with words to sway me. After I write mine, I’ll stop back and enjoy your talent! I am so glad you are joining in with Casting Bricks again; your poet-voice is essential every time 🙂
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No problem! Thanks for the comment, Jilly, and best wishes on your second half to it. I plan to write a second half to your poem, but I am still trying to figure out what to say.
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So was I, Frank, which is why I left it for y’all to finish! 🙂
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I will skip this tonight… after I’ve created my version, I’ll come take a look.
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Best wishes with your second half!
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Thank you, Frank!
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What a lovely collaborative work and form Frank ~ The contrasts between two weaves beautifully ~
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Thank you, Grace! I glad the collaboration worked.
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Awesome job beautiful poem I like the idea you made having two people write this poem smart move
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The idea comes from Jilly who set up the challenge. You can see the details here: https://jillys2016.wordpress.com/2017/08/04/casting-bricks-jillys-august-challenge/ You are welcome to either post the first half of a poem or finish a collaboration of a poem someone has offered for the challenge. I view each half poem as a single poem in its own right. Hopefully they fit together as one as well. Thanks for the comment, Elle!
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The initial 2 stanzas are the easiest–they have the first poet’s POV & vibe. It is your part that can be difficult, for you must assess style, pace, vision & match it–which you did seamlessly. Whenever I try one of these, I hog first place; smile.
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I am glad you found it seamless. I only wanted to provide a positive ending which did change the tone a bit. I look at these as two separate poems that are similar in structure so that they can be put together as one. Thanks, Glenn!
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I love this:
“I weep in streams and rivers
Over the fallen world tree”
Also this:
“All this pain I’m here to bring,
My offering, this mindful thing”
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Thank you, Lily! I think those two pairs of lines go together as well.
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At least there is hope in these lines. May these fire fade.. Glad you change the scenery and the mood of the poem. The reflection is all that matters..
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Thank you! I generally like positive ending poems without ignoring the pain that occurs.
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“Obscured by all the shade we’ve made
As cloaks of shadows wrap us, cling.” – I absolutely love these two lines. They are so relatable to me. I especially loved that yuu kept the tone intact, frank. Great work!
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I am especially glad that you liked it, Jeren! Thank you for providing the first half.
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It’s interesting that there is a fair bit of collaborative writing going on, at Jilly’s and at the Toads. I like this poem as a whole and I enjoyed your ‘shade’ stanza, Frank, with the ‘aid’ sounds resonating through both stanzas..
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The form required that they rhyme in some way. These are two separate poems on the same topic and could stand alone. Hopefully presented together they benefit each other. Thanks, Kim!
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That was such an enjoyable challenge and you and Jeren acquitted yourselves so well.
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Thanks, Victoria! It was an interesting challenge seeing if each of us can write two separate poems that work together.
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The halves come together so well, as if they were written by one mind.
The poem is beautiful with a lovely beat to go with it.
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Thank you, Imelda! I am glad you think they were written by one person.
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Marvelous collaboration. Great rhythm to the words.
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Thank you!
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Great collaboration! Love the way this flows seamlessly, and ends with a positive outlook.
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Thank you, Lynn!
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CoLLaboRatinG PoemS FReE NoW
LIKE TeXT oN A sMaRT pHOneShare
MetaPHorUS For Human Success
Copyrights
Metaphor
‘fore
Human
FallNoW
WiNteR thAw
ComeS oNline
FrEEzes Copyright no
mORe foR All To SeE heHe..
Copyrights or Not NoW hAha
SpRinG aRiSes SumMers FReED..
KinGDoM oF HeaVeN neVer NoW A CopyRight
iN priSon sAMe FrEE HoRuZioNs evermorenow..:)
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The two parts of the final poem are individually self-contained and the copyright would belong to each individual poet. Together they are only permitted because we agreed to participate in this challenge. I plan to add another poem to Jilly’s challenge this afternoon. Basically I am giving another poet the right to use my first part as a starting point to write their second half. At least, that is how I see this.
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SMiLes.. my FriEnd Frank.. thanks so
much for the detailed explanation
of how you and Jilly are ‘legally’
cooperating in the
collaboration
of the written
words of your poetry..
the word play i make here
is a little coded and tongue in
cheek for the disdain i’ve always
had for really attempting to own
anything on the Planet Earth
attached to the label
that is issued
to me
at Birth
for the Essence
of who i am yet to be
as the evolution of human
soul continues as me.. the fall now
of the Ecosystem on the Planet Earth
stARTed when humans turned the earth
over and over again and then began storing
grain like wheat away from the continuous move
of Hunting and Gathering in Aubundance
as Mammal Ape omnivores
will Naturally
Do.. then
came words
as sketched as art
in sand then collection
of that art and eventually
repeatable science that works
for creature comforts and after then
eventual cultural byproducts then now
becoming a Cancer on the Earth accelerating
the Death of Balance as we know it.. ‘copyright’
to me personally is the same as storing grains but
of course my grains are already stored in abundance
so money
is no longer
an object
of play
or work.. sure..
that’s a nice place
to be my friend but
yes.. i understand that other place
of Silo Storing Grain and Copyrights prison.. to me..
someone could share my soul of what i put in words
but to actually imitate it would be quite the feat..
Target Audiences require
generally what comes
before..
Creativity
is what comes next..
it’s why poetry is next to impossible
to sell and a pipe dream at most for folks
who think they’ll make a living off of it same
as any school lot next NFL Player.. but it’s a good
thing for the creativity that usually appeals to smaller
if any
target
audiences
is what grows
the individual soul in creativity so much
larger than silo grain or a copyright alone..
‘Trump Towers’ as ‘they’ say ‘big and small’
empty of souL only
A form
oF
A
Little man name..
Life is Fascinating just
Fascinating and so sad
and joyful too
away
from
Silo Tower life..:)
And of course i respect copyright law.
I approved Government Publications as part of my Government Career.
I could have been a lawyer; would have been a breeze. Eventually, then I did
Personnel, Accounting, and Financial Management at work after passing out
Shoes at a Bowling Center for close to two decades after three college degrees.
Sure; I was the Manager too but my favorite part was meeting eye to eye with
others; just for the Joy of ReCreation in the Sport of Bowling I never learned.
Handing out Soiled shoes my
friend; getting them
back;
the
best part of
my life; my Humanity;
only giving sharing;
ha! i’m the only
person in an
area of ~300K
LA Lower Alabama
Panhandle of Florida
Folks who Dares to Dance
in Public Close to 8K miles in 4 years coming.
The only people who really try it are little children.
The Lesson
of Handing out shoes
And getting them back dirty.
Caring.
Why would i
hoard my soul.
SMiLes..:)
To each
hiS owN
And ReaP
less and more..:)
It’s the way of Nature aka God.
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Good point, Fred, when you write: “Why would i
hoard my soul.” There’s no point in hoarding it.
I also agree with you: “someone could share my soul of what i put in words
but to actually imitate it would be quite the feat”
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Thanks my FriEnd..
i suppose losing
Soul for 66
Months
Colors
All
My Perspectives
Freer than they
Ever were
Before..:)
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I love this type of challenge and it works so well. Both voices are strong individually and come together very well.
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There is an independence that works together by keeping the form and theme the same, but they could be viewed as separate poems one read one after the other.
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This brought an audible ‘ahhh!” from me – so beautifully executed, Frank! The meter and the enjambment are just perfect. My favorite line: As cloaks of shadows wrap us, cling.
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That line went through many revisions. I didn’t want that comma in there, but the meter didn’t allow many syllables and I wanted that “cloaks of shadows”. I am glad you liked it, Jilly!
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Like a prism is poetry – multi-faceted.
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Beautifully done in collaboration! that worked out really well. Love the photo as well!
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Thank you!
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A wonderful collaboration, Frank. Well done both.
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It is fun trying to complete someone else’s poem that is already complete. It makes for a unique challenge and prompt. Thanks, Robbie!
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